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The Book

In 2010 my world fell apart. Although looking back the scene was set many years prior, in fact in my early childhood. This was to be the backdrop for the following drama to be acted out.

My father had took his own life when I was a child of 11 due primarily to depression, prescription drugs, as well as having had a dreadful childhood, but in truth the final crushing blow was dealt by his wife, my mother for what was to him, her betrayal.

He had opted out.

Many years later, after various run ins with my inherited karma I was to receive what could have been my own final crushing blow.. ( funnily enough I was exactly the same age as dad had been when he had opted out).

Likewise, I was also mentally broken ,as at that time my eldest daughter had been abducted by her father, (Carl) my bitter and vengeful ex partner,due to his acrimony to do with money but also in revenge as I was now happy, successful and loved in my next relationship. Since marrying Gregg, we had had two more children, (Dan and Lotty). Life was good .I had left Carl you see many years earlier, taking his two year old daughter, (Annie) as well as that I was also pregnant then with what was to be our second daughter, (Caitlin).

He had been a tyrant of a partner and one can only imagine how bad it had been to make me leave him at this vulnerable time of my life.

He soon moved on with his own life, taking just two weeks for his young secretary to move in to what was my house.

He did at least pay me off, (in a fashion.)

I was free of him at last and my daughter did not have to see her mother abused. Or so I thought.

The years passed, we heard very little from them, unbeknownst to me he was not happy with his new wife and this is why he never bothered about our girls, having no (willing) woman equated to no contact with his kids as he was not a ‘new man’.

Annie was 15 when she developed into a spotty and stroppy teenager, one day we had an almighty row, this was unusual, nevertheless she had come out with ‘I would rather go and live with my father.’

I saw red and gave her both barrels.

It seems she had rang him and although neither she or her sister, had seen him for the past five years he arrived on the lane beside our house and out she went. Poof gone.

She didn’t return, he had brainwashed her, we rang his house but he monitored and controlled everything just the same as he had when we had been together, he was a narcissist you see, which is a mental health condition but as it manifests like it does, these people project their own failings onto others and therefore never present for treatment. I realised 2011 what a sociopath’s not quite a psychopath because actually they haven’t killed ..yet..

But they abuse emotionally, silently, behind closed doors they are powerful, dominating and manipulative.

I thought Carl had done this to me to make me leave our home. I thought he wanted me gone and that’s why I did the deed -and left-as he was simply too weak.

Wrong. I now realise he hated all women.

Our daughter was his next victim. He had alienated her from everyone who had loved her.

This is what broke me down. I had believed she was happy in her life as an only child at her dads.

Little did I know ,as in reality he treated her dreadfully in the most inhumane fashion. His partner, the secretary was truly evil, she reminded me of Rose,the wife of the late Fred West. (they were also co dependent narcissists.)

My daughter starved, and I mean starved, no food was in the house, no money ,no adult was in the house, no love, no guidance, understanding , or compassion of any description was in that house (and yet if you met him or her ‘the secretary’ you would think what a lovely couple).

She had a mental breakdown at just 17 years old.

It was almost two years from when she left ,until our family got to see her again.

The girl I met now was not the daughter I knew.

It transpired that they – (her father and his secretary) had abandoned her at sixteen and a half years old and moved house, three hours drive away. Leaving her in a rented flat.

Alone and unsupported.

The guilt I felt, the pain ,the loss, not for me but for my child, innocent but lacking in maturity, she had taken a massive blow, one that no child should ever have to take from those who are supposed to keep them safe.

I was not there, I was unable to save her from ‘the karma of the line’.

It was her counsellor that we paid for that told her to start meditating.

I had also started meditating about that time as well as reading the tarot cards, studying palmistry and eventually taking up astrology.

This is where I discovered that in our family charts there is an abandonment theme amongst other themes, like sociopathic, co dependent relationships, and everything else we share .It’s all there in the family charts.

If I had known about this prior to 2010 none of this would have happened (not really- it was always likely to kick off) but I could have directed my planets better, instead they had ran rough shod (undirected) through my life like runaway horses.

Not anymore.

I re kindled my former interests, ones that Carl had crushed all those years before.

Upon learning about meditation utilising crystal and in particular an ancient stone called Preseli Bluestone.

This stone enabled me over just a few months to restore my mental and physical health to a state that was even better than it was prior to my ‘trigger’ in 2010.
It was amazing, the timeline of things that happened over that period, they came in the right order, bringing me the right people at the right time. Since then I have been in and remain in ‘the flow’.

In 2016 I was told by a spiritual medium that I would be published.

That was a surprise, I had not got the confidence to believe anyone would want to read my journey, it was deeply personal, a very private and raw account. The story showed all my wounds, both personal, ancestral and collective.

As I re read my whole five year journal over a week in my life it was re structured into a book. Upon reading, the next chapter so to speak came in and I had to overrule my desire to re write it as I see it now with the benefit of healing and hindsight.

It had to stay a journey, one of raw pain ,through the whole gamut of emotions to healing, understanding and acceptance. Eventually rising like the Phoenix from the ashes.

In fact, the future is so bright, my zest for life like a young child once again.

The knowledge I have discovered through the genealogy, translating that using astrology and then healing it through crystals, stones and meditation.

This is my journey and both my daughter, (the eldest) and I undertook it together. I now know I have incarnated with her (and Carl) many times before.

My belief system has been turned on its head and I no longer recognise myself as the same person.

It has been a profound journey and one I am very fortunate to have discovered and undertaken.

The astrology has been my path to understanding , it’s been my journey home,back to mother (earth).

The planet, Uranus,a far out one, rules my wacky, inventive Aquarius sun sign, it brings me revolutionary insight, spontaneously and is likened to a thunderbolt. I believe it is this planet that causes mental instability as this is how it vents it’s energy. The energy is not constant but intermittent. Uranus brings psychic skill of varying types,but always out of the blue. People with this planet high in their natal charts will not react well to modern drugs as it is an atomic (uranium), nuclear planet and after all it only wants to be utilised. Modern science, and Uranus rules science of all kinds, does not know about this and big pharmaceutical companies cannot make any money off it.

We cannot amputate parts of our psyches that we don’t want or understand (the psychic side). As evolving humans we have to re integrate this as it’s one of our senses whether we like it or not.

I never wanted to be psychic, neither did my late father or his Grandad, we all wanted to be free to do whatever we desired (free being the archetype of Uranus).
We/they always could, we all have / had to use and acknowledge our God given gifts whatever they are/were.

Well I have ,since my breaking down and going through my own dark night of the soul I eventually arose transformed it’s the been the best thing I ever did.
As Carl Jung once quoted; he who looks outside dreams whilst he who looks inside awakes.